Posts from — April 2007

Simple question: What am I going to do with myself?

I lost my way. I don’t have any dreams. I lost my passion, and I have no hope.
How am I going to be able to respect myself again if I don’t even know what to do with myself?

Life is so hard… I’m tired. I’m just 33. I’m tired.

I need to keep myself occupied mentally or I’m going crazy. Writing this is making me crazy. Depressing words would only make me more depress. I don’t want to take an anti fucking depressant pills. The silliest pills created by the United States of A.

I want to be a columnist, but my wife asked how could I provide for our family from a columnist salary? I’m sorry. I don’t want a lot of money. I want just enough to survive. I’m devastated right now. Why can’t I be a columnist and be happy? (I can’t be a columnist and be happy actually. It’s not possible. You have to be at least upset with something to be able to write about it… but that’s not the point.)

alright…I think I feel better now. I really thought about cutting my wrist at the first paragraph but now I’m ok. Writing does help.

After I’ve met with an undesirable reality and had to tell myself that I could not do anything about it, I finally accepted it.

We’re moving back to Thailand after a short stay in the US. For the past 7 years, not counting the 1 and a half years in Florida, I’ve lived a life of a king, or at least a life of a wealthy man who has nothing to worry about. By that, I mean I have been happy with my stay for the past 7 years. I can’t think of a thing I want to complain. Of course, I’ve always been a little short on money, but it was never to a point where it created problems whether in my marriage or my own personal life.  We always find a way and stay happy with our living situations.

This happy life raises a question in my mind. I’ve never been one who’s happy about everything back when I was in Thailand before. I had a lot of anger and a lot of questions I couldn’t keep them all to myself. There were things back there that I could never let go without expressing myself one way or another. I used to think I could never live without playing music, acting, or writing. A lot of things in day to day life urged me to express myself.

I probably have grown up out of the testosterone driven period, some may say. However, I think our lives have a lot more to do with our surroundings than what happens in our bodies.

Not that I don’t like this happy happy living I’ve led, but sometimes I miss my creative and analytical juice. They’re not completely gone, since I’m still writing this message. (One of the reasons I keep my blog going.) But they’re diminishing fast…

It seems to me that my life was going in and out of dissonance quite often back when I was in Bangkok. I was actually happy, in a way, doing things I did which made me feel worthwhile. Rather than being just one of the average workers in a stable society, I did something worth mentioning.

Maybe this life here is too simple, or maybe a life back there was too complicate, I don’t know. I don’t think I’m jealous of the life I’m supposedly leading though. (<—I believe Adam Sandler said that.)